Rumor Has It…

Today I played the part of  a gossiping tour guide on our “Trash Tour” bus outing.  We invited residents from my senior community to enjoy a tour of our town complete with pit stops for snacks (such as pork rinds, rag bologna and squeeze cheese, moon pies and grape sodas).

During our tour we would stop in front of each MacMansion and I would put on my trashiest Southern drawl to dish dirt on the fictitious person who lived there.

“Now on my little ol’ right,  you’ll see the home of Big Daddy Graystone.  He isn’t home right now though.  A little ol’ burdie called me this mawnin’ and said they saw Big Daddy creepin’ in the backdoor of that TRASHY Nancy Miller.  Y’all know her don’cha, Hon? The owner of the Germantown Bakery?  Rumor has it that there is more than buns in her oven!!!”

Oh how they would squeal!  After all, polite society ladies never speak of such things!

We went through the gamut of stories; there was the 2nd floor balcony of Freddy the Flasher, the tall spindly Victorian of old lady Boone with her 29 cats, the countryside compound of a real live hit-man, and the modern Californian+

type estate of Maylene Porter, who has more visits from the May Tag repairman than Sear & Roebucks!  The stories got better as the tour went along.

When the tour finally ended, we collected the remains of some mighty delicious delicacies, and gave everyone a hug promising to do this tour again soon.  As I bent down in my seat to collect my purse, I overheard one of the passengers say to the other…” Who was that woman and how does she know EVERYBODY in town?”

The smartly styled gray headed  tourist leaned over to whisper in her companion’s ear…

“Rumor has it…”

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Exorcise Your Pumpkin Butt

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Hopefully, your September posture challenge will finish up strong this week. I can say that my neck and shoulders have never been so traumatized, but after almost 30 days of lifting, stretching and flailing my arms around like I’m on fire, I do actually seem to be standing up a little straighter.  Posture Coach Challenge 

I am planning to continue the posture torture and as we go through our Red Shoe Life exercises, will  add the new exercises each month to our routine.

This next challenge will begin in October and I wanted it to have a Halloween theme.  Should it  feature exercizes for Bat Wings? Goblin Guts? Witches T*ts? No!! It suddenly became obvious ( uh for OBvIOuS reasons). October’s challenge will be all about the Base, or should I say our Pumpkin Butts!

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Yes, I have multitudes of friends who do everything in their power to make their butts BIGGER.  Sorry guys, that is just not the look I’m after and before I get in trouble, that’s all I’m going to say.   At this time, I am not shooting for buns of steel here… just a little less lead!

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So, Pumpkin Butts, be prepared to get BAKED!

Give these three exercises as often as possible throughout your day.  I have selected these three because they are relatively easy, do not require gymnastics, and can be done in the privacy of your own home (if you choose… I know what exhibitionists you all are!)

I have not listed a determined amount of repetitions, as it is different for everyone.  If you are after some “beaut glutes”, than do more.  If you haven’t budged from the Barcalounger for decades, than start slow…

Here ya go:

1. The squeeze…. And yes, if you are doing this in line at Walmart, people can tell!  Wait until no one is looking and tighten the muscles in your ass several times.  Done and done.

2. The lift.  Standing while holding on to a sink, bar stool or other stationery object lift your leg (one at a time) directly behind you with a straight knee  (no pun intended).  Increase reps each day.

3.The Badonkadonk Bridge. This one is done on the floor or while your still in bed, lying flat on your back with bended knees. Now hoist that derriere straight up with your arms at your sides for extra umpf!  Every morning and every night with increasing repetitions should just about do it!

There are a million other exercises for beautiful booties, and some look pretty damn ridiculous.  Check out a few videos that I recommend on my Pinterest Board under Health and Fitness. (see link) What do you have to lose except your Oh Lordy, Gourdy!

Red Shoe Life Transformation    Pinterest

What a Week!

Holy Crap!  This week has been a freakin’ doozy!  Besides a tornado, a flood and an audit, I had one of the worst flare ups of rheumatoid arthritis that I can remember.  As you can imagine between the storm and the stress of the apocalypse, it was only a matter of time before things got crazy.  Fortunately or not, the best remedy for weeks like this is to “just keep swimming”.   Dory had it right all along…  just keep going and you will get there!  So even though I had what felt like lightening bolts shooting out of my feet, I went to Tai Chi class, fed my vacationing friend’s farm animals, gave a massage, corralled dozens of people to a tornado shelter AND started my month of Posture Challenge.  What did I get for my efforts???  I feel better!!!

So, today is Saturday, and you all know that means the war of “Woman vs Wild” home improvement was full on.  After the exorcism, I did manage to vacuum the spiral stairwell,  drop a potted plant down the spiral stairwell, re-vacuum the stairwell,  clear  a bookcase of cookbooks, and take another load of oddball shit to Goodwill.  It is still early but my shoulders are screaming from yesterday’s Posture Challenge and I am cringing at the thought of today’s workout.   There are still a lot of hours left in this day, but I have to make sure I use them wisely.   I have intentions of making a run for the At Home store, work on my book, and, of course, there is always LAUNDRY.  Amazingly, there is no end to the FUN I will be having!  (sarcasm is my middle name).

Since this is a 3 day weekend, I hope to get a lot of things done from my long “To Do” list, but sometimes it feels a little hopeless, especially when things like storms tear up your trees and trash your yard.  Yeah, my improvement project might get a little delayed while I haul stuff to the burn pile, but in the overall scheme of things, I feel damn lucky compared to my friends and co-workers in Texas.  Yes, I felt a little terror as I had to engage the snorkel on the Mini Cooper, but I sure as hell wasn’t being swept away in a river.  I had cold cuts for dinner, but I had food, and even though I had to call every single person in my family to make sure they were OK, I found them all and they were “Fine mom (eye roll) duh!”

With everything that happened this week, I think my Red Shoe Life message today is to be persistent.  Although there can be set backs and obstacles, chip away at your goals a little bit every day.  Your goals are finite and with every inch that you progress,  it is inevitable that you will reach the finish line.  So, no matter how far you need to go, how much you gotta do or how big a pain in the ass it’s going to be to get ‘er done…  in the wise words of a little fish “Just keep swimming!”