Red Hot Mama

During my continued search for a Red Shoe Life Transformation in every aspect of my life, I tend to weigh my options for activities very carefully.  I look for positive change and purpose in every thing I do,  which would normally be a wonderful thing.  Sometimes, however,  I am looking for the better choice so hard that I get frustrated.  I want change to happen NOW and I am impatient for a revelation.   No matter how hard I look for success, some days I just have to accept a tiny little triumph.   Transformation is  my goal, of course, but I find that there are  very large parts of each day that are spent just doing boring, menial stuff.  Yes, weed-wacking the yard might be rewarding, but you know it is only temporary… not really life altering.  I am positive that power washing the deck might bring happiness to my habitat, but it is short lived.  I am looking for something so much more.

So, it was with a leap of joy, the singing of taps and one final salute from the family that  the 18 year old charcoal grill took the journey to its final resting place.  Parked in the lineup at the curb along with all of our other gifts to the Gods of Garbage it stood loud and proud on it’s  three remaining legs. It was a bitter sweet farewell, as I turned my back on an old… old friend.  My mind already drifting to the images of a shiny new replacement.  Is that bad??  My eyes welled up with tears as the thoughts of summer meals being prepared without rust chips or wasp nests rolled through my mind.  This was a long time coming, and was definitely going to be life-changing.

Yes, the old girl had stood by me even when I brought home the new model from a Kroger closeout sale.  I’m sure she got a good laugh when a giant slab of ice slid off the roof, taking out part of the new siding and flattening my new flame forever.  I never even got a chance to try it out.  So we held on for another season, and another, patching our Holey Smoker with heavy duty aluminum foil when she starting setting the patio on fire from hot embers falling from her nether regions.  Apparently we were waiting for the right moment to let her go.

Sentimental or not, enough was enough.  She had lived a long and purposeful life and we felt that she deserved to go to that Weber Wonderland in the sky.  I unloaded all of the grilling knick-knacks (which will also be departing) and hinted really hard that the time had come.

So with a freshly power washed spot on the patio, my hot mitts are ready for a trip to the Bass Pro Shop next weekend.  It may not be a huge moment in the transformation of my backyard, but I have faith my new grilling girl will be just as loyal and possess the power to transform me into a Red Hot Mama!

Eye of the Tiger

Rough and tumble sports have always been my go-to for exercise and fun.  You will never catch me wearing Spandex or flitting around in a tiny tennis skirt with matching panties.  I played ice hockey and soccer in high school, and it is safe to say I have never been a petite flower.  Although I loved the ice, the spitty mouth guards and my 7 trophy staples in the back of my head, I discovered martial arts about 20 years ago and have never looked back.   I mean, karate is awesome!   There is virtually no running, I get to hit stuff, and I do not have to play well with others.  Perfect.

So, when I found the 27 week fitness challenge at a local dojo, I signed up the next day. My weight loss had stalled at 50 pounds, and there was only one answer for success and that was exercise.  This challenge is perfect for me.   There is a lot of kickboxing and calisthenics and I lift weights and walk on the alternate days.  It is going better than expected and now that I am in Week 8, I think I can begin to see some results.  I know I have gotten better at “planks” and some other evil exercise called “mountain climbers”, but  burpees and other flailing attempts to throw myself on the mat and jump back up again still need a lot of work.  So far so good.

I am steadily moving closer and closer to my end goal of hiking the Grand Canyon in 2019, so this fight is real!  Just like when I climbed to the top of the Mayan ruins in Mexico, I took it as a personal challenge. Step by step with the Rocky music playing in my head, I wouldn’t accept defeat.  Standing at the top with arms over my head shouting  “Magnifico!”  I’m not sure what that means, but it felt fabulous!

So with less than a year away from my big canyon adventure, where I will hopefully not doing anything remotely like planking or burpees, I will be working like a mad woman with “the eye of a tiger!”

 

The Epicenter

I recently had a revelation.  I can’t believe it took me an entire year to figure this out.  It is nothing that would change the world, per se, but once completed, it is something that would definitely change MY world.

It occurred to me that no matter how many things I triumphed from my long list of transformations,  there would always be a looming festering abyss.  A dark stinking catacomb; mysterious and foreboding.  This tower of excess has to be dealt with. Vanquished in one swift dumpster of no-regret.  Where is this thorn in my side you ask?  Right in the epicenter of my house; the garage!

If you believe in Quantum Physics, in other words, “like attracting like”, it goes without saying the source of all the negative things happening with my house (aka money pit) must be radiating from my Hades playground.  A day does not go by without a snide reference to my “organizational skills”  and frankly, it is not without warrant.  There is no Feng Shui that can help me at this point and there is only one way for the stuff to go….OUT!

Me: “I’d love to go on a picnic sometime”

Everyone else: “We would too, however, all your shit is on top of the baskets.”

And then I noticed that people were using the garage as an excuse.

Me: “Let’s invite some people over!”

Everyone else: “Well we could, but somehow your shit would do something that would cause an apocalypse!”

It has been mentioned that my army of steel gray tubbies were in fact the cause of everything from my kids allergies to my husband accidentally locking our cat into the hay van for 4 days….. (because if I didn’t have so much crap in the garage, they could have unloaded the van without the cat getting in…)   see where this is going????

Now, please let me mention that there is PLENTY of stuff in the garage that has nothing to do with me.  Athletic gear, paint cans, automotive ramps, toys, all manner of BBQ paraphernalia , canning equipment, pet food bins, a dozen pair of size 12 boots, the washer/dryer, prepping items and cases upon cases of paper towel and toilet paper.  Lord knows in a crisis, we would definitely have enough toilet paper.  No matter who’s stuff was shoved in there, it was only MY trash that was in the way.

So, unless I go for the jugular, no other home improvement project will count until the monster has been tamed.  It may take a few weeks, a dumpster and a bullwhip, but I feel it is essential in my quest for total transformation. I must set aside all sentiment and release my beloved belongings to go forth and prosper somewhere else.  I will sweat and cry until nothing is left but the bare minimum and gut the sucker with NO MERCY!

When at last the garage is clean and there is nothing left for other’s to bitch about, I will go on my picnics, ride my bike and invite anyone over I want with a clear conscience and without fear that somehow my pile of western centerpieces might cause an international incident.

 

 

 

 

Woman vs Wild Home Repair Update

Well, I bitched my way through the entire year (2017) with endless contractors coming and going, and yet the same pool and hardwood floor projects never did get fixed.  Short of standing in my driveway with a t-shirt cannon and my cash, only a drunken trip to Vegas could have wasted more money.

Did I mention that we are now on our seventh pool company? Yes? Well, sorry, but you’ve got to admit… SEVEN????  Each one dogging the last and each one peering into the swamp of doom and declaring somewhere around a $500 fix.  Several left running with their rubber hoses between their legs and didn’t even have the balls to jackhammer up the cement pool deck like their other chlorine cousins.   One company charged us over $400 to just point at the problem and put blue painter’s tape in an arrow… I’m assuming this was to let other pool sharks know where I kept my checkbook.  This latest company seems to know what they are doing, however, the bill has already soared to over $3000.  I’ll keep you posted.

We are also on our 4th hardwood floor in the same room in just one year.  Yes, I know you have heard this story too.  Again apologies… just trying to bring my new readers up to speed.  Just imagine moving your furniture into a POD every couple of months, taking all of your paintings off the walls, and living for a week or more in your bedroom with a Sheep dog, a Sheltie and various other menageries… only to find out that they screwed it up again and we will be waiting until the planets align to give it another go…  Now they are stating that they never put a floor into a house that doesn’t have a vapor barrier.  I guess that’s a new rule, since these are the same people who put the last two floors in.

Me: “I thought I had a vapor barrier?  I paid Onyx Interiors for one, and didn’t you say you were concerned about the barrier being messed up by our cats????

Them: “Lady, I look under a lot of houses.  I guess I made a mistake.

Me:  Considering how many times you have F*CKED up my house, wouldn’t you pay more attention?”

Them: “I don’t have to listen to this.”  Click.

I’m just saying… it’s a good thing that this conversation wasn’t in person.

So here is the “Woman vs Wild” Home Improvement Update:

Last Sunday as I was putting away my winter clothes (Ok, I was premature about that) I went into an obscure closet in our office.  It is a very old house with closets like Narnia and  clothes rods longer than any firehouse I’ve ever seen.  The roof pitches like an “A” frame which makes it great for shoving shit in there that you never want to see again.  However, on this trip I noticed a white shirt that now looked tie-dyed… WTH… it was wet and hanging next to a red jacket (also wet)  The F*CKING ROOF IS LEAKING!  I couldn’t believe it!  This is in a totally different section than the last leak (that caused all the problems with the hardwood floor), and may I remind all of my readers that our metal roof is only a few years old.

I spent all of Sunday hauling weird clothes to the spare bedroom floor (yes the one I just beautifully painted and decorated).  We called a repair company, but in almost a week’s time, they have not called back.

So with buckets in hand and the most rain I have seen in many years, I sat on the floor and just tried to figure out what in the world to do.

Money Pit: 10,000  Deb: 0

 

Oh Snap!

I will rise, but I’ll be damn if I’ll shine… or at least for a few more hours.  I am dragging a bit today, and geez, I think I have a right to be.  It is nothing catastrophic, but it is overwhelming.  So what’s got me down.. this time?  Well, besides my beloved Mini is in the shop for a bs sensor issues, the idiot hardwood floor people are showing up today (maybe) to check out the roots that has been growing into my carpet from the pile of wood that has been in my dining room since Christmas, I didn’t get home from work until 9:30 p.m. last night and am back here again at 7:30 a.m. dressed as a flapper (which believe me is getting very very very old), I missed my kickboxing class (due to above grievance),  let’s see.. oh yes, my doctor, who says he  has important information regarding test results from last week’s visit, didn’t call me yesterday…and an incredibly long list of other piss-ant crap.

So, what to do about it?  Since it is not on my Keto diet to have tequila for breakfast, and sorry Lisa S., I can’t kill anybody, I guess I will do the Red Shoe Life thing and work my way up from the bottom.

1).  I will drive husband’s hooptie really fast,  eat all of his sugar-free gum,  and leave my coffee cup in the holder 🙂

2). Put red underwear on the pile of flooring and when the guys show up, I’ll ask them to leave it just a little longer….

3).  Call my doctor to ask for note for work since I was unable to go due to my “important” medical issue.

4).  Give note to employer and take the rest of the week off. 🙂

5). Go to kickboxing class tonight and beat the shit out of the heavy bag

I guess some days you just have to “suck it up buttercup” and today, I’ll do it dressed as a flapper!

Deb’s Dreads

Life on the farm has been a swampy mess lately.  It finally thawed out and now has had at least two weeks of monsoon conditions, causing my girls to be cranky and not their usual glamorous selves.  Even Andrew, my Southdown Baby Doll sheep is moping.  I miss his smiling little face as he waits patiently for the other roller rink floozies to fight over the sweet feed.   I just muck around in my waders, schleppin’ hay and tidbits to higher and higher ground.  I’ve even been eyeing a pile of old fence wood contemplating building an ark.  BTW, thanks Bri and Brandon for the IKEA bag… it is working great for hauling hay and keeping spiders out of my hair!

So yes, I have a collection of sheep that I originally got to spin their wool and make art yarn. I love their wool.  It’s soft and fluffy… and so plentiful…  I even have a wonderful spinning wheel that I use to hang clothes on in my bedroom and drag out to the Mid-South Spinning Club once a year. The tubbies in my garage are really stacking up.  What to do… what to do?

I guess I lost my enthusiasm for yarn when I realized that I just can’t knit or crochet…  tried it… can’t do it. Perhaps I should have taken that into consideration before I purchased the sheep…  The other downer is that most people in Memphis just don’t wear woolen socks and hats.  Go figure!  I just had to come up with some other way to use all this wool.   That is when it hit me…  woolen dreads!  If you are unfamiliar with these cool beauties, check out Google or Pinterest and see all the vibrant colors and adornments.  My brain exploded when I saw how creative I could get with it and immediately fell in love with the whole process.   Thus, Deb’s Dreads were born.

Today the dreads went even further out on the limb of the crazy tree… One of my awesome sisters has a beach side gig where she sells wooden nautical art and driftwood masterpieces.  It’s called “The Wooden Peg” (her name is Peggy) and if you are ever near Jensen Beach, you’ll have to check her out.  One of the biggest sellers at The Wooden Peg are mermaids.  She hand cuts them, paints them, puts on the do-dads and voila… Ariel swims off the shelf faster than Peg can make them.  So one day we were yakkin’ about a new project and it suddenly popped up that it would be cool if the mermaids wore dreadlocks.  Hmm…  hot pink perhaps??  This conversation resulted in me making a set for her today which will be ready for the dying process tomorrow.  I can hardly wait to sew on the little pink sequins and tiny sparkly shells!

This got me thinking about other types of dolls.  I rang Florida and asked if she could make me a stand up version that I could make colorful dresses, head raps and dreadlocks.  Now my head hurts… I’m going to have to get more sheep…

Stay tuned for the finished projects and let me know if my knitting days are over.  In the meantime, making dreads for my human customers keeps me happy and insures that I can continue to use my spinning wheel as a clothes rack… or better yet… use it as the helm’s wheel on my new ark!

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You Know Me…

Apparently bossing people around and making a “party” out of any gathering of people, runs in my blood.  So, of course, the minute I got to this 27 Week Physical Fitness Challenge, I started getting agitated about how they were missing out on a lot of opportunities to make it more fun!

By week, TWO, I just had to say something, and so I suggested to the owner that somebody should be taking “before” and “after” shots and talking to the participants about why they were in the class, their goals, and in general chart their success.  I told him that he could use it to inspire future participants, as proof that his program worked, and as a gift to his students for their hard work.

You already know what happened next.

So now I am taking everyone’s before, during and after shots, doing the interviews and putting it all together in a fabulous eBook.  Don’t roll your eyes, I love this stuff!  I am so excited to interview these people… find out their stories and write the bio with their pics.  You should have seen it today when I broke out the Nikon and started snappin’.  People were so happy to have their progress documented.  Too cool.

How was the class you ask? Well, I can’t lie… it was tough finding enough steam to show up.  It’s been a long week, it’s raining, and I have a lot of other things that I’d rather be doing… but if I can measure success by the amount of sweat pouring off my face and how great it felt when I held a plank for 30 seconds X2 or did 60 mule kicks each leg… then it was pretty damn good!

Will I ever slow down you ask?  You know me and my philosophy, if you don’t use it, you lose it baby, and that goes for your body and your mind!  Living a Red Shoe Life means you keep plugging away, growing, learning, doing, plotting,  trying new things and making sure you are living every single day to it’s fullest.   I plan to keep going at full speed until they find me one day on the floor of the Good Will…. with a margarita in my hand 🙂    RIP Margarite.  I will miss you.